September 2007

Stewing in one’s own juice is a miserable proposition, but we all go there from time to time.  Click HERE for a few suggestions on avoiding the proverbial pot in the first place…and how to climb out of it if the stewing has already begun.

Thousands of lives were suddenly ended by evil, despicable acts of terror. The pictures of airplanes flying into buildings, fires burning, huge structures collapsing, have filled us with disbelief, terrible sadness and a quiet, unyielding anger.  - President George W. Bush

The planes were hijacked, the buildings fell, and thousands of lives were lost nearly a thousand miles from here. But the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were an attack on the heart of America.  And standing here in the heartland of America, we say in one voice –  We will not give in to terrorists; We will not rest until they are found and defeated;  We will win this struggle – not for glory, nor wealth, nor power, but for justice, for freedom, and for peace;  So help us God.  - Tom Harkin
You can be sure that the American spirit will prevail over this tragedy.  - Colin Powell
A few months ago, and again this week, bin Laden publicly vowed to publicly wage a terrorist war against America, saying, and I quote, “We do not differentiate between those dressed in military uniforms and civilians. They’re all targets.”  Their mission is murder, and their history is bloody.  - at the time, President Bill Clinton
All of a sudden there were people screaming. I saw people jumping out of the building. Their arms were flailing. I stopped taking pictures and started crying. - Michael Walters, Photo-Journalist

The city is going to survive, we are going to get through it, It’s going to be very, very difficult time. I don’t think we yet know the pain that we’re going to feel when we find out who we lost, but the thing we have to focus on now is getting this city through this, and surviving and being stronger for it.  - Rudolph Giuliani

I was reading through one of my favorite books last night (How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie).  I needed some great quotes about criticism for the SHD Quote Database and I knew Mr. Carnegie wouldn’t let me down.

He had the following quotes waiting for me in Chapter 1:

“Criticism is futile because it puts a man on the defensive, and usually makes him strive to justify himself.”

“Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a man’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment.”

Take a few minutes to think about some of the people who have come into and out of your life.  With each that comes to mind, ask yourself if you attach a positive or negative “feeling” to their name and memory?  Those who are critical and, thereby, cause us to feel less than worthy about ourselves will cast the most negative vibes of all. They could have, mind you, been right about some of their criticism - we could have very well had it coming - but there’s generally not a soft spot reserved in our hearts for overly-critical individuals.

Mr. Carnegie shared the following story:

“When I was very young and trying hard to impress people, I wrote a foolish letter to Richard Harding Davis, an author who once loomed large on the literary horizon of America.  I was preparing a magazine article about authors; and I asked Davis to tell me about his method of work.  A few weeks earlier, I had received a letter from someone with this notation at the bottom: ‘Dictated but not read.’  I was quite impressed.  I felt the writer must be very big and busy and important.  I wasn’t the slightest bit busy; but I was eager to make an impression on Richard Harding Davis so I ended my short note with the words:  ‘Dictated but not read.’ 

He never troubled to answer the letter.  He simply returned it to me with this scribbled across the bottom:  ‘Your bad manners are exceeded only by your bad manners.’  True, I had blundered, and perhaps I deserved his rebuke.  But, being human, I resented it.  I resented it so sharply that when I read of the death of Richard Harding Davis ten years later, the one thought that still persisted in my mind - I am ashamed to admit - was the hurt he had given me.”

Wounding a person’s pride and self-worth is an unforgivable thing.  Often times, criticism comes from a very ugly, selfish place.  We’ll convince ourselves that we’re criticizing this person or that person for their own good - but, in reality, it’s for our own selfish benefit(s).  We want them to do differently because….well, because we want them to do differently!  The overly critical person is, actually, the most selfish and self-centered person in the world.

We’ve all known them.  They find something critical to say about everything and everyone.  Nothing is ever good enough for them or seems to meet their standards. They’re dissatisfied with everything.  That’s the common thread that’s woven through every overly critical person. 

Being critical is like a lot of other things in life.  It simply becomes a habit - one that, fortunately, can be broken.  If the critical person would stop and think before opening his or her mouth, they’d probably be amazed at what was about to come out!  I wholeheartedly believe that if they learned to curb at least 75 percent of their criticisms, they’d be a much happier person.  How miserable it must be to only see the bad in life!

I had a teacher like that in high school.  She never seemed pleased with anything.  She was in someone’s face every single day. She’d even criticize the way kids were dressed.  Sometimes she’d spend half the class talking about the evil of chewing gum. The other kids always joked about what her husband’s life must have been like.  I always pictured a miserable little man staring frantically at the clock, counting the minutes until she left for work.  I knew he had to be like the rest of us, Just wanting her to get out of the way.

I started thinking about her and her rants a few minutes ago.  There were, of course, times when her points were perfectly valid. But she spent so much time DEMANDING respect that she never took the time to EARN it.  When she entered a room she sucked the life and energy right out of it.  No one really cared what she wanted - we just wanted her out of the way.

By contrast, there were teachers who would tell you what you needed to do, but did it in a way that was constructive, not destructive.  They’d build you up, not tear you down.  They earned their student’s respect and their student’s honestly wanted to please them.

If the overly-critical person would take all of that energy they spend on trying to fix other people and spend it on themself - they’d go further than the eye could even see.  No one has the right (or should even have the desire) to police or parent everyone else.  It’s a lose-lose situation that leaves everyone miserable.

When someone thinks us…whether we’re still on streets of gray or have moved on to the gold ones…we don’t want any ugliness attached to our name.  After all, we spend our whole lives trying to bring honor to our name!  The last thing we’d want is for ours to come riding into someone’s mind in a cloud of dust.   We want others to think well and speak well of us.  Being a critical person is the best way to ruin that plan. 

Over the next week, pay close attention to how you deal with others.  Count the number of critical, negative things you say.  You’ll, I’m sure, begin to swallow the words before they come out of your mouth - or, at the very least, slap a better attitude on them first.

And that is, not only the whole idea - it’s also the first step in breaking an old habit and starting a new one.  Everyone in your world will appreciate it, and your good name will appreciate it even more.

One of my favorite authors, Maya Angelou, hit the unhappy nail on the head when she said, “Frowning makes you ugly.”  If you’ll notice, most pictures you see of the great lady are smiling…okay, she’s smiling, the picture, itself, isn’t exactly smiling.

(Uh, yeah, I just “word-policed” myself.)

I thought of that saying a few days ago when I was at the mall.  So many people buzzing around - and, it seemed, that 8 out of 10 looked mad or unhappy.  I’ve seen happier faces in emergency rooms.  Now, I’m not expecting everyone I see to look like a morning talk show host.  If everyone was all pressed and smiling ear to ear I might think I was in the middle of a Sci-Fi novel and that they’re happy faces were about to peel away - revealing skin covered with green scales and eyes that glowed red hatred. Not a scene I want to be caught inside of.

I’m really not trying to blow sunshine up the world’s collective butt, I’m just saying that some people get stuck in a funk. A funk of telling themselves, and the world, that they’re feeling down…sad…mad…depressed…whatever unjoyous feeling they’re embracing at the moment.  Young people are so fond of the funk, they’ve even named it - emo. 

You only name something if you want it to stick around.  I mean, my husband has always known that.  He has always realized that the minute I name a stray cat, dog, raccoon, possum - whatever - it is officially part of our family.  He usually doesn’t blink…he just heads off for food to feed it/them.  He did, however, raise an eyebrow when I said I had left some dry cat food out for Stinky. I guess the name gave my cute, quiet little friend away.  

That’s the way it works, you name it…it’s yours.  Whether the name is Stinky, Emo, Depression, the Blues - if you want it, invite it in, give it a name, and sure enough, it’ll dwell with you as long as you keep calling for it.

Why not invite something better in?  Give it a name like Excited, Hopeful, Upbeat, Happy…then ivite it to stick around.  Call on it enough and it’ll move right in.

While I’m on the subject, why are so many people so freakin’ obnoxious? There’s a select number of people who just go around trying to make everyone else as miserable and gloomy as they are.  They seem to think that by unleashing their nastiness on everyone else, they’ll make them as cranky and cantankerous as they are. Ill-tempered, quarrelsome, disagreeable little pestilences - I’d take Stinky over them, any day.  Truth be known, I feel for them.  The people who never have a good word to say (let alone two)…instead of getting mad at them, I’ve come to feel sorry for them.  Can you imagine how miserable it must be to be them? Emo adults are the stuff nightmares are made of.

Like every post I do - whether it’s sharing the ramblings inside of my own head, like this one, or sharing a quote or story that I hope will move you as it did me…I do it from a good place:  My home office.  No, just kidding (not that my office isn’t a good place)…I do it from the heart.  I honestly care about other people - that would be you - and if I ever think I’ve come across something that might slap a smile on your face, give a squeeze to your heart, or drop a thought in your head…I’ll be slapping, squeezing, and dropping like I’m in a hip hop video.

Abraham Lincoln said that we’re all about as happy as we want to be.  And, while there are medical exceptions, truth lives inside of his words. He was Abraham Lincoln, after all! If you’ve been down lately, pick yourself up.  Kick out the family of negative terminolgy and invite the Positives in. 

They’re much better houseguests.

Click on the link to see a cartoon of a boy-ish emo kid.  I thought it was funny…or sad - I forget which.  http://www.phatcowcartoons.com/images/Original/emo_kids_suck___by_c_t_supahfly.jpg