Relationships

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again. - Og Mandino

The following is a sponsored post. What exactly does that mean?! Simply this: In a sponsored review, a web publisher is paid to “look at” and/or “try” a product, website, or service and tell their readers about it. They don’t have to sugar coat it, they don’t have to say they like it - they simply have to tell what they thought. For me personally, I only accept the ones that I CAN give a glowing review of. My thinking is, Why bother with the rest? Eh, they’re on their own.

One of the best Online Support Groups and Self Help Programs live at the same url: Tools to Life.com.

Tools To Life

One of the phrases I use the most often when talking about self help and self improvement is, “Improve your world by first improving yourself.” That’s the order it has to go in. We get frustrated, overwhelmed, and…. well, downright nasty…. when we wait for our circumstances to improve first. We put the cart in front of the horse and watch in amazement as nothing happens.

We have to set the change(s) in motion or things will always be like they’ve always been.

That’s why I’m especially excited to be able to tell you about one of the best Self Help Programs I’ve ever seen. Tools to Life is a completely free, online self help coaching system and support network. They have been helping people loose weight, improve their relationships, resolve depression, overcome anxiety and get better careers for over 20 years! Now that’s a reputation worth being proud of. They wanted to bring this success “online” so they could reach even more people ith Inspirational motivation and community support. It’s a labor of love and, take it from someone who recognizes the symptoms, is a clear case of people who simply want to save the world.

Oh, I love the way they think!

The article archive is amazing. You’ll find help, advice, and motivation for every aspect of your self improvement journey. Physical fitness, mental fitness, relationships, health, careers… you name it, they’ve covered it beautifully. I’m glad to see people who realize that there isn’t just one magical area of a person’s life that needs attention. We’re made up of so many different threads, not just one!

There are hundreds and hundreds of articles on Tools to Life. I came across so many that I not only enjoyed, but gained insight and helpful advice from. One of the first ones I read was titled “Healthy Eating on a Limited Budget” - that one gets us all where we live, doesn’t it?! We all want to eat healthy, just as the experts advise us to. But we go to the grocery store and are stopped dead in our tracks by the price of blueberries, red peppers, cauliflower, broccoli, seafood (Three times a week? On who’s budget?!) This is a really great article and I highly recommend it.

Another section of the site that you’re going to love are the Inspirational Videos. These are amazing - you won’t want to stop until you’ve seen them all. They’ve inspired me to add an Inspirational Videos section to Self Help Daily. I only hope to find some half as amazing as the ones they’ve gathered together. Honestly, they’ll blow you away.

The Life Coaching Support Groups seem to be a favorite with people in the Tools to Life community. I like that word, don’t you - Community. It makes you feel as though you’re a part of something. That’s exactly how you’ll feel when you join the Tools to Life Community. Sign up is 100 percent free, and the amazing thing is that you’ll have the opportunity to motivate and inspire just as many people as are motivating and inspiring you.

Does it get any better than that?

If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Happy Father’s Day to dads and grandfathers everywhere! My dad (who, incidentally, I thought hung the moon AND stars) is spending his 12th Father’s Day in Heaven. He died alarmingly young, but I’m thankful to have had him in my life as long as I did. His sense of humor and laid back approach to life were his trademarks and our world’s loss was Heaven’s gain.

Even though there’ve been 12 Father’s Days without him, it still gets to me. Today when I drove by a steakhouse, there were people pouring out of their cars with their dads. Waterworks. Time heals wounds but the scars remain.

The tears gave way to smiles though when I got home to another character that hung the moon and stars - my husband and father of our three daughters and 4 cats. No father in the world has ever out-loved their children more than Michael does our girls. Like all fathers, though, he doesn’t get the sometimes gentler role in the parenting equation.

I feel for fathers, I really do. They have to be the tough guys so often - while the mothers pat on the child’s back, smooths the hair and whispers lovey dovey mommy-isms. Sometimes it resembles a good cop/bad cop scene and fathers seldom get to be the good cop! The decisions they make, the stands they take - they’re always for their child’s best. Funny thing about children though, they generally don’t see past their own little noses.

The quote at the top of the post, at least in our own household, symbolizes a father’s mindset. Fathers often look further into the future than mothers do. I think the reason’s obvious… “mommies” don’t want to see the future. Give us the present, give us the past, but spare us the future!

It’s a good thing that fathers and mothers look at things differently and have different approaches. Two of either approaches would make the kids nutty. -er. Nuttier.

Know that the day will come when your loving strictness, your stern no’s, and, yes… even your lectures…. will be very much appreciated. Keep up the good fight - being a parent in this day and age isn’t for the faint of heart. Or stomach, for that matter.

Happy Father’s Day!

One of my daughters and I were having a good old fashioned gabfest recently. Somewhere between determining that we’d watch anything starring Will Smith and agreeing that gas prices were to blame for every ill known to man, we got around to relationships. We’re female, so it was inevitable, right?

In addition to Mr. Smith and ungodly fuel prices, we agreed on one thing: We pretty much train other people how to treat us. Very often, if someone’s treating us a certain way or behaving a certain way around us…we’ve set the whole thing in motion.

I once heard a girl having a huge fight with her boyfriend on the phone. She was screaming at him so loudly that she had to hold the phone away from her face to keep from blowing her own head up. She called him this, she called his mother that, she threatened to poison his dog (okay, I made the last one up but I was on a roll)… Then, suddenly, silence. She snapped the phone shut and said with a look of total stone cold shock, “He hung up on me.” Uh, yeah. Maybe he wasn’t such a this after all.

When it comes to relationships, have you ever found yourself thinking:

• People are always snapping at me
• People seem to avoid me
• No one talks to me until I talk to them first
• People take the things I say the wrong way
• Why is everyone so sensitive?
• No one listens to me!

If you recognize any of the above statements, I have bad news for you and I have good news for you.  Which do you want first?  The bad?   Okay, brave one.  You are the writer,  director, and leading star of your own life. You have created the character that is you.  People react to and treat you in the way you have conditioned or directed them to. 

It’s just you and the computer screen right now - I’m not even here right now.  I’m probably off cooking, rubbing a cat, talking with one of my daughters, or allowing my husband to buy me something.  It’s just you and the words I left behind.  Open up your mind and heart for a few minutes - they may just be the most important minutes you’ve spent in a long time.

• If people seem to snap at you, get ruffled easily, or take things you say the wrong way:   It’s now officially time to GET REAL.   Take a good, long look at how you treat others.  More likely than not, it’s probably with very little respect.  We all get so busy in our own little worlds that we sometimes forget to treat others as equal humans, which they most certainly are.  They aren’t annoyances, they aren’t here to serve us, and they aren’t obstacles.   They’re humans who happen to be as worthy of respect and kindness as we are.  What we put out there comes back at us in spades.  If you don’t like how you’re treat-ed, it’s time to start treat-ing differently. 
• If people seem to avoid you, again, there’s a reason behind it.  They don’t all meet every Wednesday at 2:00 for a seminar on avoiding you.  They avoid you because you bring something to the table they find unbearable.  The trick is to uncover what that thing is and bury it in your back yard!  Think about people who you, yourself, try to avoid.  WHY do you do so?  Are they always mad, always down in the dumps, or sarcastic?  Are they gossipers that revel in knocking everyone down a couple of notches?  Maybe they’re one note choirs - you know the kind who seem able to talk about only one thing.  I knew a guy once who only talked about cars.  That’s all he had. Yet he was easier to bear than the one I knew who only griped about money.  At least Car Boy was happy, talking about engines, Trans Ams, what’s its, and whatevers.  Money Man was a downer.  He never had enough money for this, he always needed more money for that…  The dude literally knew what every job in the county paid, how much everyone made, how much taxes were taken out of everyone’s checks, etc.  Yeah, I grew to hate him.  What’s more, I offered to pay him to just disappear. 
• How about this one:  People seem to take everything you say the wrong way.  Maybe you say everything the wrong way!  When you think you’re “requesting” something, maybe you’re actually barking an order.  If it has gotten to the point that you think everyone around you is overly sensitive and defensive - go ahead and get the mirror, you’ll find the guilty person inside waiting for you.  In your defense, it’s easy to get into a mode of being a drill sergeant.  When you work long hours and then have to take care of things at home as well - it’s easy to get into a habit of just ordering people around.  After all, your number one priority is “getting things done.”  Therein lies part of the problem.  Our relationships and the people in our lives are worth far more than any job, business, work, housework, lawn, or chores.   Pay close attention to the things you say to others.  Are you talking to them or at them?  Listen to the words - would you want anyone talking to you that way?
• Finally, if people don’t listen to you, they’re tuning you out.  Your words may be fast approaching the yadda yadda yadda stage.

Could you just get outraged or discouraged because others aren’t treating you the way you want them to?  Sure.  Could you yell at them, whine to them, or give them the cold shoulder.  Yes, yes, and yes.  Could you throw a pity party to end all pity parties?  Abso-freakin-lutely.   But, guess what, none of those are going to help you one little bit.  Whether it’s one particular person or an army of them - if you aren’t comfortable with how they treat you, start treating them differently.  Treat them the way you want them to treat you.  No, that’s not new advice.  It’s just the best advice.

Treat others with patience, respect, graciousness, tolerance, and love.  If, that is, you want any of that to come back your way. 

Test it!  Start immediately after finishing this post.  Let the very next words out of your mouth be kinder.  Treat your very next co-worker with a world of respect.  Act genuinely happy to see everyone you come in contact with.  Smile more, laugh more and, more importantly, make others smile and laugh.   Don’t let your conversations revolve around just one subject.  Show MORE interest in others and less interest in YOURSELF.   You get back what you put out - just remember that.

I promise you that you’ll notice a difference in your entire world. 

If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase. - Epictetus

When angry, the wisest thing to do is to go off by yourself until the storm passes. It’s NEVER the easiest thing to do, but it’s ALWAYS the smartest.

Think of Anger as a trunk full of regret and remorse waiting to be opened. If you open it in front of others, they’ll see you at your worst and the trunk’s ugly contents will spew out so fast and so furiously that you won’t be able to corral them. The damage will be done and, once done, it can never be undone.

On the other hand (you know, the more mature and sensible hand), if you go off, cool off, and open the trunk when you’re the only one around, you’ll be able to sort through its contents and see what needs to be said and what needs to be left unsaid.

By doing so, you can find a way to handle what made you angry in the first place. Another benefit from opening the trunk in private is that others will see you at your best rather than your worst. We all want other people to take us seriously and we want their respect whether we admit it to ourselves or not. Hot heads, sarcastic Sams, and screamers don’t get other people’s respect. They get their ridicule, their wrath, and their avoidance. Need yet another benefit? How about this: You won’t create an ugly pile of regrets in the corner of your psyche. Clean corners in one’s psyche are all kinds of cool.

One more thing - when you get your trunk off in private and you’re pilfering through its contents, very often you’ll find that nothing is there of any substance. One of two things will occur to you:

1. There really isn’t even a good reason to be angry!  Whew, what a relief, you can go back to being happy again.  Take your good mood back around humanity and let them enjoy it.
2. What you THOUGHT was making you angry isn’t even at the source of your bad mood.  Your son’s messy room isn’t even in the trunk - instead you find an unresolved problem from work.  Cause for another sigh of relief… you didn’t take it out on junior.

***The approach above works just as well for a Sack of Sadness as it does a Trunk of Temper.  The key is to get to the root of the emotion, yourself.  We should confront and deal with our emotions in as much privacy as possible.  I’m all for asking for help from loved ones when it’s called for, and sometimes a good old-fashioned confrontation is is order.  But we’ll have a much better chance of holding our ground if that ground isn’t shaking.

Before reviewing Dr. Kent M. Keith’s “Do It Anyway,” I wanted to remind you of his infamous Paradoxical Commandments. Written in the 1960’s, they are every bit as necessary and vital today as then. (Let’s hope that can be said for all of us from the Sixties!)

The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

© Copyright Kent M. Keith 1968, renewed 2001

I love that last line, Give the world the best you have anyway. Great stuff! If these Paradoxical Commandments affect you as strongly as they do most people, you’ll want to visit Paradoxical Commandments.com. In addition to a blog, you’ll find mugs, posters, books, clothing, a newsletter, and “sightings” of these world famous commandments.

Onto the book review!

I just finished reading Kent M. Keith’s book,  Do It Anyway: Finding Personal Meaning and Deep Happiness by Living the Paradoxical Commandments.  This wonderfully beautiful and beautifully wonderful little book serves as a “companion” guide to The Paradoxical Commandments.  It features tools, exercises, and suggestions that the reader can use for personal introspection or group discussion.

The book acknowledges that yes, indeed, the world can be pretty crazy.  But that can’t stop us from doing and giving our best.  We’re the ones with the power - we can either allow circumstances to bring us to a complete stop or we can, in the author’s words, “Do it Anyway.”  This wonderful guide gives specific examples of how we can speed past the life’s tempting STOP signs - without ever looking back!

As the author stresses in Part One, we can’t control the “external world.”  The economy?  Gas Prices?  Political scandals?  Out of our control.  But we CAN control how we react to them.  We CAN make certain that we give our best in every situation and carve out as much happiness and peace for ourselves as possible.  The book challenges us with a series of questions about how we’re coping with the world around us.  It’s like therapy at the end of our arms!

If you are trapped in excuses, or a difficult past, or a difficult present, now is the time to break out.  The Paradoxical Commandments point the way.  Personal meaning and deep happiness are waiting for you. - Do It Anyway: Finding Personal Meaning and Deep Happiness by Living the Paradoxical Commandments, Page 37

Part One also lists typical excuses and stumbling blocks that get in our way, then tells how to forge ahead and “Do It Anyway.”  I lost track of the times while reading that I thought, “Great advice!”

Part Two is a beautiful section because it introduces you to some beautiful people, people who are living the Paradoxical life.  Their stories are told, in their own words, about ways they used the Paradoxical Commandments to overcome ugliness, unfairness, and unpleasantness.  Each of the Paradoxical Commandments are dealt with, not simply in words, but in real life stories and emotions.

Along the way the reader is challenged with questions.  These questions bring us face to face with how we would handle, or how we do handle, similar situations.  We’re forced to see if we are living the Paradoxical Commandments and we’re shown where we may be failing if we aren’t.  One of my favorite stories was from the author, himself, as he talked about his grandparents.  He referred to his grandmother as someone who was easy to love but told how his grandfather was one of those people who was difficult to love.  Apparently the grandfather didn’t talk much and smiled and laughed even less.  The author, however, loved him anyway and was a better person for having done so.

If you live the Paradoxical Commandments, you will change the world.  You will love people, and do good, and succeed, and be honest and frank, and think big, and fight for the underdogs, and build, and help people, and give the world your best. - Do It Anyway: Finding Personal Meaning and Deep Happiness by Living the Paradoxical Commandments, Page 139

You’re going to love what Part Three has on its mind:  Saving the World.  Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! We’re encouraged to try and make a difference, for the better, in the world around us. The author emphasizes the importance of starting at home and work - then working your way out.

I love the checklist given on page 158.  The reader is presented with 5 powerful and challenging questions. Two of these are;

Am I satisfied with things as they are?  Why?  Why not?

AmI willing to be known and judged by the stand that I take?

The other 3?  Oh, you know the drill - buy the book and find out!

Part Four is a fascinating interview with the author.  This is a section that I desperately wish all books included.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve read a book and thought, “I wish I could ask the author this or I wish I could ask the author that.”  Ironically, as I was reading the book, I didn’t realize the interview was waiting at the end.  Several times, while reading, I wondered what the author’s favorite commandment was and if he ever thought of adding to the ten.  I also wondered if he came up with the number 10 as a tribute to the 10 Commandments God presented to Moses.  I was pleasantly surprised to see that these answers (as well as others) were all in the back of the book waiting for me, as though they read my mind.  I was also very happy with the answers, themselves.

In summary, this is a book I’d very highly recommend.  I particularly love the way we’re challenged to make a difference in the world around us.  Of course, the only way to really be effective about such an endeavor is to, first, make a difference in ourselves - particularly in our thinking.   

Living with the Paradoxical Commandments will lead you to more peace and happiness than living without the Paradoxical Commandments.  This guide will….well, guide you.  Every beautiful step of the way.

Continuing from Part 2 of Nine Secrets Happy People Know….

#6.  Happy people know they weren’t born that way!

Happy people have something in common besides smiling faces.  They face each moment knowing they have a choice - to look at the world through a smile or through a scowl.

It wasn’t, necessarily, one magical moment in their life where they heard music and saw the happy light.  It was a long series of experiences and lessons.  The teacher of (EVERY) year, Mrs. Life, taught them a very important lesson:  Her tests are much easier to pass if you have the right attitude.  A negative, defeatist attitude, not surprisingly, leads to Failure with a capital F.

“So,” you may ask, “what do these happy people do?  Just stop themselves periodically and pull up their attitude the way a rail thin basketball player stops periodically to pull up his shorts?”

Yes.  Exactly like that.

Granted sometimes our esteemed teacher is tough.  (No one ever said she was fair.)  But she doesn’t show favoritism.  We all pretty much get our fair share of lessons and tests.  Those who handle what’s thrown on their desk with a good attitude will find the day much shorter and their nights much sweeter.

#7.  Happy people know that slinging mud only gets you dirty . Think about the happiest people you know.  They don’t waste their precious time or energy gossiping about, belittling, or running down other people.  Happy people try to find the good in other people, not the bad.   Why anyone would want find or dwell on other people’s faults is beyond me - maybe to make themselves feel better or look superior?

Too much negativity is poisonous.  Happy people know this and avoid it like a rabid rat.  I’m not saying that happy people are walking/talking human versions of Snuggle Bear.  They SEE the bad in the world, they see other people’s shortcomings and faults - and they will most definitely do what they can to help where help is needed - but they don’t dwell on the ugliness of life or people when there’s so many better things to dwell on!

Also, if we’re being perfectly honest - A LOT of people who shine spotlights on other people’s mistakes or shortcomings aren’t doing so in an effort to help them.  They want to look good by comparison.  That’s all.  The truth of the matter is, the person who seems like the most arrogant, cocky, self-assured person in the world often has the most insecurities.  The “act” is their sheild.  I always wonder why they keep spending so much energy on holding the shield in place.  The time and energy would be much better spent addressing the insecurites.

I think that brings us to another secret that happy people know…

#8.  Happy people work on improving themselves.  They find joy and happiness in challenging themselves to improve, to grow, and to grab everything they can from life.  They realize that there’s nothing quite as satisfying as setting a marker (a.k.a. goal), reaching the marker, then setting another marker…even further in the distance.  It’s called growth and happy people eat it up!

#9.  Happy people expect “down time(s) but know to ride them out, waiting for the upswing.”  When you have  a website, you realize that there will be occasional unexpected, and unpreventable down times.  Sometimes your server will be “overloaded” or there might be an “error” or some other kicky little problem.  Happens. 

Same thing with life, right?  Things will come at you from out of nowhere and leave you dazed - wondering, “Where’d that come from and how’d it get my number?!”   Happy people don’t exactly smile as they take their vehicle to the mechanic for the third time in two months….they’d look irritatingly like the dude in those erectile dysfuntion commercials.  Wasn’t his name Bob?  Nah, they don’t go for that look.  Truth be known, they’ve been known to have their own moments - but that’s all they are moments.  They move on.  Yes, happily.

Unhappy people dwell on past “you done me wrong’s” and miseries.  It’s almost as though they like the feeling!

One of my daughters was listening to a song recently (by Ashlee Simpson).  I loved a part of they lyrics that said, “Get up.  Shake it off.”   Anyone who wants to be truly happy MUST realize that this is exactly what you have to do. 

If…

• Someone has hurt your feelings….
• Someone didn’t take your advice…
• Life dealt you a hateful blow…
• You messed up big time…
• You’re dealing with bitterness, anger, or pain..

….or anything that has left you feeling out of sorts, there’s only one way to chase the blues away and remember what happiness feels like:  Get up.  Shake it off.  Move on. 

Happy people know that life has the power to get you down - but it doesn’t have the power to keep you there. 

Continuing from Part 2 of Nine Secrets Happy People Know….

   #4.  Happy people know the difference between being a sponge and a dinner napkin.   When people close to us are having problems, it’s only natural for them to tell us about them.  Truth be told, we normally pull it out of them, hoping that we can, in some way, help.  It’s only natural, also, to feel what others are feeling and to care with every fiber in our being.  The closer we are to them, the more we’ll fell their pain.

However, a secret that “Happy People” have in their r’epertoire is the realization that you can’t “sponge up” other people’s pains, troubles, and disappointments without becoming ”misery logged” yourself.  

Don’t get me wrong, I have a lifetime membership, paid in full, with the Save The World club - and I would do anything in my power to help anyone, whether I know them or not.  I’m not saying AT ALL, “Look the other way…”  No no no - never look the other way.  All I’m saying is this, if we aren’t careful, we will sponge up the miseries of other people and make them our own miseries. 

Let me see if I can try to clear up what I’m saying. If we can help another person in any way, we should do so.  Whether they need physical help, emotional support, or even just lunch money (never underestimate lunch money!).  If they need a shoulder to lean on, we should offer two.  The secret is to not “sponge” up their problems.  Doing so doesn’t help them OR us.  In fact, it weakens us to the point where we’ll be the one looking for a sholder to cry on rather than having strong shoulders to catch the tears of others.

Parents run into this time and time again.  It doesn’t matter if you have one, three, or ten children and it doesn’t matter what age they are.  Again, it pays to keep in mind that we have to stay strong - for those we love as well as for ourselves.  And in order to stay mentally strong, we have to learn what things we have control over and what things we have NO control over whatsoever.

If you (like me) tend to emphasize with others as well as sympathize with them, try to catch yourself before you “sponge up” unhappiness that doesn’t have your name on it.

  #5.  Happy People Know that if Something Isn’t Working, You Have to Get to the Root of the Problem.  Sometimes we find ourselves kind of ”out of sorts” or we think, “I just don’t feel like myself…”  Maybe we feel sadder than normal or we find ourselves getting angrier more than usual - things that cause us to wonder who has taken over our personality!

Usually [ Read:  More times than not ] there’s a very good, very logical, and very easily solved reason for it.  When this sort of thing happens, “happy people” know to take a quick inventory:

• Am I getting enough sleep?  If we miss out on our required number of hours, we’ll feel edgier, more emotional, and we’ll be less likely to cope with anything life throws us.  A few good nights sleep will make a world of difference.
• Have I taken on too much?  When we bite off more than we can realistically chew, we get tense and irritable.  Letting a few things go and remembering to relax more and just enjoy life will put a smile back on your face in no time.
• Have I changed my diet in any way?  Cutting out too many calories can cause a person to become, understandably, irritable. 
• Have I started to eat (or drink) anything different?  Food allergies can greatly affect the way you feel - not just physically, but emotionally as well.
• Have I started taking any herbal supplements or new medications?  This one has tripped me up once in the form of an herb.  Granted, I’m the most susceptible person in the world to side effects (when I start a new medicine, I don’t ask, “What are the side effects?” - I say, “What do I have to look forward to?”).  About 8 years ago, I took an herb that had a reputation for helping people with thyroid problems - after a few months, I started wondering why I felt so peculiar about everything.  Nothing quite suited me - and my normal temperment is IT’S ALL GOOD.  I kept reading how there were no side effects for this particular herb, but I finally decided to stop taking it, anyway.  I was back to myself almost immediately.     

Also, watch out for herbs in certain drinks - such as teas or energy drinks.  Things affect people differently, so always take a quick little inventory so you can rule out any potential culprits.

Some people also feel differently, emotionally, if they’re having more caffeine than usual.  Personally, I think I’d be a grouch if I didn’t get enough!  Fortunately, we’ll never know.

Continued from Nine Secrets Happy People Know - Part 1

It’s Wednesday, and everybody knows you can’t get too flashy on Wednesday - so let’s just pick up where we left off…

  4.  Happy People Know You Can’t Let Other People’s Lives Direct Your Own.  A director pretty much dictates how a play is going to happen.  He or she tells people where to stand, when to walk, how to feel, etc.  The director will tell the other people involved in the play when they’re “getting it right” as well as when they’re “getting it all wrong!“   They call the shots.

An actor or member of the crew expects it and doesn’t question the director’s right to pull power trips - after all, it’s what they’re there for.  It’s all part of the system.

However, this sort of thing most definitely isn’t part of the system when you aren’t on a stage or in front of a camera.  Each individual IS their own director in life.  No one else gets to tell us how we should feel or how we should react.  People are happiest when they are allowed to be their own person, not who someone else expects them to be. 

Happy people, at some point in their life came to terms with who they are.  What’s more, they made up their mind to be that person no matter who was around and irregardless of what others would think.

The individual who thinks they have to be a chameleon and change how they act, talk, or even think, depending upon who they’re around, is not a happy person.  If they were happy and content, they’d “wear” themself all the time and never “take” themself off.

If you ever find yourself altering who you are as a person around certain people, catch yourself, then ask the following question, “Why am I afraid to be me around_____?”   If it’s a fear of ridicule, the next question could very well be,  “Why AM I around this person in the first place?!“ 

When I was in high school, I recall that it was a very “in” think for girls to act ditzy and dumb.  I’d watch in amazement as some of my friends would go from talking over assignments (from Shakespeare to Spanish) with one another to blanking out when a boy joined the group.  Some boys would laugh and, I suppose, think the dumb act was cute.  Others would look almost frightened and take off in search of higher intelligence.

I’m not going to lie, I fell into the trap a few times while trying to find myself.  Sometimes it would depend on the boy, I guess. 

When I first started going out with my husband, I was pretty nervous at first.  I liked him more than anyone I’d ever met and hoped with every ounce of my being that we’d hit it off.  I could tell he was really smart right off the bat.  I remember my mind running around in circles thinking, “If he’s smart, would he prefer an airhead or would he like the fact that I have a brain?“  My mind was busy mulling over the ins and outs of that subject for the first 30 minutes of the first date!  Then, I noticed something kind of unique.  He kept asking questions - kind of like little “tests.”  Looking back, I realize that he was testing the depths of the water!

Since I actually liked who I was and felt proud of any knowledge that I had, I went with being myself.  So when this kid with the prettiest blue eyes I’d ever seen brought up the subject of mental telepathy, I jumped right in.  When he fired random questions about random subjects, I fired the answers back - whether it was about the lead singer of Van Halen or what I’d do with telepathic powers, if I knew it…..I said it. 

We’ve been happily married for well over 20 years now and one of the things that has kept the marriage the happiest is that we allow one another to be themself.  There’s a total and complete freedom and relaxation in knowing that you can just be you. 

People who have to try to “measure up,”  “fit in,”  or “tow the line” don’t have time to be happy - they’re too busy trying to measure, fit, and tow.  If you have anyone in your life who has this effect on you, do yourself a huge favor and set things right.  If you suspect that you AFFECT someone else in this way, do everyone a favor and set things right.

We should always accept people as they are - whether it’s ourself or someone else. 

Be happy.  Be yourself.

You know the old joke about the weather, right?  Everyone talks about it but no one ever does anything about it.  In the area of Self Help, our “weather” is definitely happiness.  Everyone has it on their mind, and it comes up frequently in conversation.  People want to talk about it, and they most definitely want to possess it, but when it comes to doing anything about it….. they kind of fade into the background.  The reason might be that they don’t know HOW to just be happy.

I lean toward the belief that, as Abraham Lincoln said, “People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”  (That, of course, doesn’t include people who find themselves in the middle of grief, or a physical or mental illness.) 

For most of us, however, I think that if you’re a happy person today - you’ll be a happy person tomorrow.   If it takes a perfect balancing of planets, harmony in all relationships, and butterlies outside of your window to MAKE you happy, the happiness isn’t coming from within - it’s coming from without.  That’s not a good thing, of course, because that’s forever changing.

Think about the people in your world.  Some are happier than others, right? Some are so happy, being around them is about like watching an episode of Andy Griffith!  Even when circumstances are foul, they’re generally light-spirited and smiling - maybe even joking around.  The good news is that they weren’t born that way, so what happy people “have” is available for everyone.  Basically, there are nine secrets that happy people have sewn into the fabric of their lives, probably without even realizing that they’ve done so.  Three are below, the other six will be hot on their heels.

1. Happy people know, understand, and even embrace the fact that life isn’t perfect.  They stopped expecting their days to sail by without any turbulance long ago.  They’ve simply adapted their thinking and reactions to “ride” the waves rather than fighting against them.   By contrast, unhappy people think that every turbulance, every bump, every misstep is a catastrophic event.  It “wouldn’t” happen to other people - only to them.  They think God has allowed this injustice and they, quite frankly, resent it very much.  Even little events can snap the smile off of an unhappy person’s day - their balloon will burst just as easily over a slow internet connection as it would a flat tire.  When bad things happen (which they tend to do), someone who is generally happy simply deals with it.  No panic, no melt downs, no throwing blame around or raising their voice.  Oh the drama!  Granted, the smile will disappear as they get down to business, but it’ll return right after they’ve put everything back together again.  Happy people know they can’t control life, but they CAN control the way they respond to life.
2. Happy people don’t live in the past.  Some people feel unhappy simply because they won’t leave the past in the past.  Happy people know that, for better or worse, the past is gone - living there, or even visiting too frequently, is a waste of time and energy. Some things have to be LET GO.  You have to tell yourself - out loud even - “I’m letting this go before it proves to be my undoing.“  Happy people live in the present and realize that it can be a beautiful place if you accept it for what it is. 
3. Although it may seem unusual, happy people are the best fighters in the world.  If you think of the happiest person you know, the word “fighter” may not come to mind.  After all, don’t we picture fighters as angry, determined, even mean?  In the boxing ring, sure - but think about outside the ring.  If someone is hit hard by one of life’s punches, and they refuse to go (or stay) down, how’d they find their feet?  They fought for them, and they fought hard. The harder the punch, the harder to stand back up…but oh so worth the fight.  Unhappy people are very weak.  Usually they gave up long ago and got somewhat comfortable on the mat.  

What some people don’t realize is that happy people feel the same pains the rest of the world does.  If a happy person loses their dream home, for example, they most definitely register the pain.  They cry the tears.  They feel the loss.  But they don’t let the situation win.  They stand back up, dry their eyes, and look ahead to the great things that lie in the future.  An unhappy person would use an experience like this as a crutch - a crutch that will only lead them to one of two places:  Anger or Bitterness.  Neither place is worth visiting, let alone moving into!

If you’re a “happy person,” give a big sigh of relief because you’ve learned one of the most important lessons in life.  If you’re an “unhappy person,” give a big sigh of relief because you don’t have to stay that way. 

Unless you want to.