The Relationship Boomerang

One of my daughters and I were having a good old fashioned gabfest recently. Somewhere between determining that we’d watch anything starring Will Smith and agreeing that gas prices were to blame for every ill known to man, we got around to relationships. We’re female, so it was inevitable, right?

In addition to Mr. Smith and ungodly fuel prices, we agreed on one thing: We pretty much train other people how to treat us. Very often, if someone’s treating us a certain way or behaving a certain way around us…we’ve set the whole thing in motion.

I once heard a girl having a huge fight with her boyfriend on the phone. She was screaming at him so loudly that she had to hold the phone away from her face to keep from blowing her own head up. She called him this, she called his mother that, she threatened to poison his dog (okay, I made the last one up but I was on a roll)… Then, suddenly, silence. She snapped the phone shut and said with a look of total stone cold shock, “He hung up on me.” Uh, yeah. Maybe he wasn’t such a this after all.

When it comes to relationships, have you ever found yourself thinking:

• People are always snapping at me
• People seem to avoid me
• No one talks to me until I talk to them first
• People take the things I say the wrong way
• Why is everyone so sensitive?
• No one listens to me!

If you recognize any of the above statements, I have bad news for you and I have good news for you.  Which do you want first?  The bad?   Okay, brave one.  You are the writer,  director, and leading star of your own life. You have created the character that is you.  People react to and treat you in the way you have conditioned or directed them to. 

It’s just you and the computer screen right now - I’m not even here right now.  I’m probably off cooking, rubbing a cat, talking with one of my daughters, or allowing my husband to buy me something.  It’s just you and the words I left behind.  Open up your mind and heart for a few minutes - they may just be the most important minutes you’ve spent in a long time.

• If people seem to snap at you, get ruffled easily, or take things you say the wrong way:   It’s now officially time to GET REAL.   Take a good, long look at how you treat others.  More likely than not, it’s probably with very little respect.  We all get so busy in our own little worlds that we sometimes forget to treat others as equal humans, which they most certainly are.  They aren’t annoyances, they aren’t here to serve us, and they aren’t obstacles.   They’re humans who happen to be as worthy of respect and kindness as we are.  What we put out there comes back at us in spades.  If you don’t like how you’re treat-ed, it’s time to start treat-ing differently. 
• If people seem to avoid you, again, there’s a reason behind it.  They don’t all meet every Wednesday at 2:00 for a seminar on avoiding you.  They avoid you because you bring something to the table they find unbearable.  The trick is to uncover what that thing is and bury it in your back yard!  Think about people who you, yourself, try to avoid.  WHY do you do so?  Are they always mad, always down in the dumps, or sarcastic?  Are they gossipers that revel in knocking everyone down a couple of notches?  Maybe they’re one note choirs - you know the kind who seem able to talk about only one thing.  I knew a guy once who only talked about cars.  That’s all he had. Yet he was easier to bear than the one I knew who only griped about money.  At least Car Boy was happy, talking about engines, Trans Ams, what’s its, and whatevers.  Money Man was a downer.  He never had enough money for this, he always needed more money for that…  The dude literally knew what every job in the county paid, how much everyone made, how much taxes were taken out of everyone’s checks, etc.  Yeah, I grew to hate him.  What’s more, I offered to pay him to just disappear. 
• How about this one:  People seem to take everything you say the wrong way.  Maybe you say everything the wrong way!  When you think you’re “requesting” something, maybe you’re actually barking an order.  If it has gotten to the point that you think everyone around you is overly sensitive and defensive - go ahead and get the mirror, you’ll find the guilty person inside waiting for you.  In your defense, it’s easy to get into a mode of being a drill sergeant.  When you work long hours and then have to take care of things at home as well - it’s easy to get into a habit of just ordering people around.  After all, your number one priority is “getting things done.”  Therein lies part of the problem.  Our relationships and the people in our lives are worth far more than any job, business, work, housework, lawn, or chores.   Pay close attention to the things you say to others.  Are you talking to them or at them?  Listen to the words - would you want anyone talking to you that way?
• Finally, if people don’t listen to you, they’re tuning you out.  Your words may be fast approaching the yadda yadda yadda stage.

Could you just get outraged or discouraged because others aren’t treating you the way you want them to?  Sure.  Could you yell at them, whine to them, or give them the cold shoulder.  Yes, yes, and yes.  Could you throw a pity party to end all pity parties?  Abso-freakin-lutely.   But, guess what, none of those are going to help you one little bit.  Whether it’s one particular person or an army of them - if you aren’t comfortable with how they treat you, start treating them differently.  Treat them the way you want them to treat you.  No, that’s not new advice.  It’s just the best advice.

Treat others with patience, respect, graciousness, tolerance, and love.  If, that is, you want any of that to come back your way. 

Test it!  Start immediately after finishing this post.  Let the very next words out of your mouth be kinder.  Treat your very next co-worker with a world of respect.  Act genuinely happy to see everyone you come in contact with.  Smile more, laugh more and, more importantly, make others smile and laugh.   Don’t let your conversations revolve around just one subject.  Show MORE interest in others and less interest in YOURSELF.   You get back what you put out - just remember that.

I promise you that you’ll notice a difference in your entire world.